My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen