@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

You Might Also Like

@SlabBaconBP

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@YourMomsucksTho

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@bingowings14

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

@AndrewChamings

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

@Nonnie_Linda

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

@JillianKarger

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

@capnwatsisname

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.