BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.


My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.


kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them


The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.


For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.


Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.


If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him


Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt


OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome


Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.