Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car