Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.