Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
This guy’s not having it 😆
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If snakes were wide
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.