Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Sending in my taxes
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
live, laugh, laundry.
He just like my cat fr
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.