There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Best spot.. 😅
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.