The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m not wrong
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.