Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Hell yeah 👍
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’ve been drinking.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: