[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You Might Also Like
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.