My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Don’t snitch tag.