Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
nobody’s gonna understand
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.