Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.