The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”