The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice