The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.


Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.


I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth


Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.


imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.