The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Had to try this trend 😊
me before I type out affect or effect
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.