@MaidOfBeans

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

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@SondraDeeMe

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

@trevso_electric

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

@tinyelvisbkwd

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

@sneerid

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@bingowings14

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.