My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea