Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?