I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Don’t forget to tip your server
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna