A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.