The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time