[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong