“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.