[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Plumber: I think I found the problem
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.