Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
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Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.