Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?