inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
stop
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.