I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain