amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
saving face 👀
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.