me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
consequences, the bane of my existence
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend