*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.