Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
greetings!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?