Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa