a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?