[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late