[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
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Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”