Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Strange
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
my nickname in college
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF