Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
This fish is cracking me up
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
How your email finds me
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.