if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Seas the day!!!!
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…