Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“HELP WITH CAT”
ACED my prostate exam!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage