Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Wise advice
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.