To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy