Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…