Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]