Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”