Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…