My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
2023 was just a warmup
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
just got my engagement photos
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
me: my friends:
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?