@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

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@hellohappy_time

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

@Alex_but_online

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

@whatsJo

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

@howe007

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

@Fred_Delicious

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@AweShadySome

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

@mompsychologist

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”