BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton