@hellohappy_time “Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
@OBiiieeee BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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@hellohappy_time 
@Alex_but_online The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
@TigNotaro {God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
@whatsJo car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
@howe007 When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
@Fred_Delicious *knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
@DBMaxP I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
@AweShadySome Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
@chrisanna4real Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
@mompsychologist 3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”