Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe