Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Guys, I found it.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.