‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
The Sun’s probably Asian.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
No Google it does not
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.