Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army