Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
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no regrets
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.